Fears

It’s been over a year, and I’ve known it all along, I think, but only now am I coming to terms with it. I was hurt very badly when I was with Tyler. I was damaged. I was told every day that something about me was ugly, that I needed to change it. I was told that I needed to change. And that instilled in me the thought that I’m not good enough. He didn’t like my hair, and he would point out in other girls what he liked. He didn’t like my clothes, he didn’t like my *grades*, he made to-do lists of things I needed to change so I could be what *he* wanted. And whenever I asked him why he wanted to change me into someone else, he insisted that he didn’t, and that he’d change. He never did. And every day I tried to change, to make him happy. He made me feel like I was ugly, stupid, worthless. That I don’t deserve anything good.

I thought I had overcome this fear, among the others that surfaced during that time, but I have only succeeded in burying them. No one has ever let me talk to them about this, I’ve kept it all to myself because I’m afraid to be a burden. At some level, a level that I tried to bury, too, I’ve still got the mindset that I’m not good enough. I know I’m good enough. But I still behave in a way that reflects my fear.

I’m cautious about asking Tom if I can see him. I’m cautious about everything. Not nearly as much as I used to be. I’m still afraid, a little, when Tom says he wants to marry me, because everyone – every single boyfriend I have ever had – has said it. From the first day, I knew Tom was different. I’m blessed to have him, and I do deserve him. I’ve never been so happy. I just wish I could get over these fears. The first time Tom saw me cry, the only time, was when Drew told me that Tom basically cares only about sex and degrades me. I was afraid to let him see me cry. Tyler used to get mad at me for crying, and since I did it every night for a year and a half, I am afraid to reveal my vulnerability to people. I went downstairs, and Tom came down a few minutes later and held me, and I explained to him through my tears – which I tried very hard to stop – that I’m afraid. Of being used.

Tyler used me. For a year and a half. I was terrified of going through that again, especially with Tom, because I love him so much. I feel so strongly about him. I want the things he says about our future to come true, so I was frightened. And he assured me that he loves me, not all the superficial things, he loves all of me, and that he doesn’t want anything about me to change. I think that was the night I really realized how important he is to me. How happy he makes me. Every single day he tells me he loves me, or points out something he loves about me. It’s helping me to feel better. Everything I had once been afraid of saying or doing – when I was afraid of being me – I can do now. I can be me. I’m still afraid that he’ll think I’m not pretty or that I’m stupid but he really loves me. He wants to marry me. We haven’t talked about it much because we’re young but he… I don’t even know how to explain it. I am so happy with him, happier than I’ve ever been. I’m me. I love being me. And I have someone who loves who I am. And I love him back.

I’m so thankful to have Tom. Every day, he amazes me. The other night, when I was sick with a fever, he picked me up and he said “Don’t worry. If your fever comes back, I’ll take care of you, baby.” I think that was another hard-hitting thing he’s said. Besides “I love you for you”, it was “I’ll take care of you.” No one takes care of me. My father has, of course, but he hasn’t been around 24/7 since the divorce. He tries to be. I know he’s always available, but the living arrangement makes that difficult. And our like temperaments also make it a little hard. I’m just so happy that someone who loves me is SHOWING it. Someone so important to me. I have two people now, that truly love me, and aren’t afraid of it. Two people that are my biggest fans.

I will overcome these fears.

I have never deserved anything more than I deserve my happiness.

I owe it to myself, and to Tom.

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I think it’s really annoying when people look at my screen. 🙂

Yeah.

Long story short, I skipped a bunch of classes and now I’m in danger of losing credit for maybe half of them. The mother found out because I dropped a piece of mail addressed to her from the school instead of *disposing of it* like I intended to. If I had kept that hidden, I would be in the clear. But no, it fell out of my coat.

The minute I walked in the door she launched into a screaming fit about how I’m grounded til the end of the year, this that and the other thing, etc etc unreasonable irrational things. I had to tell Brandon to leave the house because she was so insanely ridiculous. I explained to her what was going on in math and what was going on in school. She said she’s calling the guidance counselor to make sure I’m “on track.”

I went to the counselor a few minutes ago to give her the heads up and found that she was just about to call my mom and “fill her in” on what I’m doing. My history teacher overexaggerated and told her that I swore at him and walked out of the classroom, which essentially came out of his ass because what happened was he threw out my pass and told me to “Have fun.” So I did. I left and went to the nurse. Hooray.

So now two people that think I’m doing shitty in school are going to talk to each other, one of whom has the power to ground me for THE REST OF THE FUCKING SCHOOL YEAR. I go stir-crazy if I’m in the house for two straight days, let alone two fucking months. I will go crazy. I can’t do that. It can’t be done. I don’t know what I’ll do if she decides to hang that over my head.

She already grounded me for three weeks because I had Matt and Tom in the house while no one was there (oh my god, I know, terrible thing, that). They were taking apart my computer while I got some clothes together and went to sleep at Tom’s. My creepy neighbor was watching and alerted her to the fact that there were “BOYS IN THE HOUSE” so I was promptly told I’m a promiscuous whore and grounded.

I almost went crazy.

But two months?

For the love of all things holy, all deities and gods and goddesses and prophets and everything in between, I PLEAD: please do not let this happen to me. It may not seem like much but it truly, truly is. If I’m confined to my house without any mode of contact with the outside world (which is what HAPPENS when I’m grounded, no phone/computer and NO going out, no matter the reason) I will crack, and I will probably STOP concentrating on school. Negative actions taken against me always have negative REactions. I don’t respond to punishment for things when I already understand the consequences of what I’ve done.

I tried to talk to my mom about it, and I talked to the counselor, so hopefully (hope hope hopefully) I will come out of it unscathed. Really, cross your fingers and pray for me and anything you can think of, because if she goes through with the grounding, I don’t think I’m going to have the drive to finish high school.

If you take things away from me, I don’t learn anything. I just sink into an emo hole and sulk or bite back.

What I need is encouragement so I can do things right for myself this time.

Being stuck at home for the next two months is the last thing I need.

Really.

Truly.

Please.

Been a while since a phero-update.

Music: “All The World Is Green” -Tom Waits

Trying to think of what I’ve worn recently… hmm…

I’ve been testing out MX134, but I left school early both days, before I could really gauge my results. MX134 is being touted as the women’s version of A314, which is to say a pheromone that merits respect and gives you a professional, in-control aura. There have been rave reviews of it on the forums recently, so I figured I would try it out, since I happen to have a little bottle of it.

6-7 sprays later, I smelled kind of like pizza sauce due to the copulins present. I wandered off to class where a female friend proceeded to assault me and tell me that Tom dropping out was my fault. While this bothered me for the entire class period, I managed to effectively shut her up. And I phrase it that way because that’s exactly what I did – she claimed she wasn’t talking to me anymore, said that it was my fault, yadda yadda, and the minute I said something in response (once I got over my initial state of bewilderment, because Tom is a big boy and can make his own decisions ;P) and she instantly sat down and said “I won’t argue with you. This is stupid.” She didn’t say a word to me for the rest of the day.

After this, I headed down to Matt’s car, and we drove around a while, getting pretty lost for a while. He talked a lot, comfortably, and I found myself not stressing about the silences like I normally do. I was also wearing about 90mcg TAH at the time, and he’s never had that reaction to TAH alone, which I’ve been wearing all the time recently.

I did, at some point in the recent weeks, discover that Tom ADORES TAH though. Whenever I wear it, he gives me that “hungry” look that I love so much. He’s very touchy, very suggestive, kind of lustful. I don’t know anyone else on the forums who has received such an overtly sexual reaction to TAH. From friends, TAH gets me a sort of “what-can-I-do-for-you” reaction, with everyone vying for my attention and doing what they can to make sure I’m pleased. It’s kind of royal treatment, but to a lesser extent.

My most notable recent experience with pheromones is detailed here: lots-eow-lots-tah-lots-hits-2964.html

I megadosed, which is to say I wore more than is considered entirely sane. 🙂

I’m pretty random here, my thoughts are going from topic to topic and I’m sure my writing reflects it. I’m tired, so I’ll cut this short.

Jessmo out. 😛

Hair, hair…

So, the amazing reddish-purple is fading out of my hair. I dyed it back in January at some point, if I remember correctly… maybe early February, and I fell fast in love with the results. You can see the dye job halfway done if you look at my avatar, but the picture doesn’t do it justice -when first dyed, over my naturally sable-ish hair, it was this bright, eye-catching, DIHL-inducing fuchsia. It was supposed to be purple, but came out more red on my hair, which is fine with me, really, because I don’t like the bluish purples that are out there.

I was thinking I’d go Blood Red (Special Effects hair color), because I checked Amphigory.com’s gallery of the stuff, and if I chose to lighten my hair I wouldn’t need to do it too much to get the color to show up. It’s a gorgeous color, really, and I adore the pictures of it, but there’s another part of me that’s nagging and simply won’t shut up, going on and on about how I ought to do something completely out of my comfort zone, like bleaching my whole head and going straight purple…

I really like the Blue-Haired Freak color, but blue tends to go green on yellowy-bleached hair, and when I bleached the front half of my head three years ago, it was definitely yellow. BTW, when I bleached then, it was for a dark purple, a crappy brand that bled right out and was gone in a month. I STILL have some golden tips in the front, where the bleached hair hasn’t quite grown out yet. This is why I’m iffy about going all out and doing my whole head. I might consider LIGHTENING my hair a tiny bit, to better house whatever I choose, but that’s about it, I think… hmm…

More praise for MX135!

Experimenting more and more with my pheromone arsenal. I have more To-Go sizes than full sizes, but whatever – full sizes are bloody expensive. If there was a full-size option for MX135, however… hmm…

In any case, the whole school is under CAPT testing, which means I – and the entire junior and senior classes – would, theoretically, get to sleep in. For two and a half hours. But Witek, AP art instructor, has advised me that I am to come in on time. So here I am, on time. But not drawing. No art comes from these fingertips at 7:30 in the morning.

For the past three days, I’ve been conducting a sort of experiment… without really realizing it. I found out MX135 comes in chocolatini scent, and originally I despised it – I thought it was too strong, and it takes about ten to twenty minutes to die down. For anyone else, this isn’t a long time, but for Jessmo, who is always on the move and sprays her pheros on while she’s on her way to or from all the ridiculous places she goes, it is a bit of a concern. I don’t like people telling me I smell strongly, which is why I have avoided perfume itself for all these years, with the exception of Victoria’s Secret’s Sexy For Her, which no one has ever complained about (except my father, who complains about everything and thus doesn’t count).

I remember wearing MX135 a while back, maybe a couple months ago. I thought it was coconut scented at the time. That’s the note my nose picked up, anyway. Three or four sprays, and dear god did I smell like a chocolate-coconut-whorehouse, at least in my opinion. It was so strong I smelled the stuff every time I turned my head. That was back when I sprayed it to the neck and wrists. I walked into a library-type area and instantly a boy who speaks very broken english, a transfer student from Peru, says, “Hey Jess. You smell so good!” and gives me a hug. I didn’t think much of it, and sat down across the table from him, but every minute or so he would interrupt whatever conversation was taking place to tell me how great I apparently smelled. Same boy said this to me in an english class several days later when I, once again, had just spritzed on some MX135.

On Tuesday night, before Brandon (close friend of mine) left to visit his brother somewhere in Texas, I figured I might as well call him up and do something with him as a seeing-him-off kind of gesture. As soon as he picked me up, with his sister’s boyfriend and friend in the backseat, said sister’s boyfriend (Patrick) blurts out, “What are you wearing?!” I was nervous, because I thought he was going to tell me I smelled bad and/or strongly, since I had just sprayed MX135 into my hair about four or five times, but he said “It smells really nice. What is it?” Of course, I lied through my teeth and told him it was lotion, and that I don’t wear perfume. Best thing I could think of to cover my ass on the spot, but he said a few more times during the car ride that he really liked it, and proceeded to flirt with me throughout the night.

Example time!

Brandon/myself dropped him and his friend off at a pool hall and picked up Nick, another close friend of ours. We went to Walmart, and as a memorable experience and successful attempt to make Brandon laugh, bought condoms, bean dip and hot wheels cars. (Yes, the cashier gave us the strangest look I think I have ever received.) Upon going back to the pool hall to see what Patrick and company were up to, Patrick said “So Brandon tells me you have a smoke-smelling fetish.” Of course, what Brandon actually said was that I like the smell of cigarette smoke, but Patrick lit a cigarette. I had mentioned earlier, in the car, that my boyfriend smokes the same kind of cigarettes as he does, so I thought that was a little odd. He went on to say, “If she didn’t have a boyfriend, she’d be all over us, man.” And every time I looked in his direction, he was smiling at me, always looking at me. It was odd, to say the least.

That’s the joy of pheromones for ya though. xD

On the car ride home, Patrick said, once again, that I smelled nice, and kept playing with my seat so it would fall down against him (he was sitting behind me). I contemplated pushing back really fast and hitting him hard where the sun don’t shine, but y’know, I’m nice, so I abstained. 😛

Tom had his nose in my hair all day yesterday, where I put another four sprays of MX135. He was trying to be real covert about it, kissing me on the top of my head (sprayed twice where devil horns would be, the other two times to the body of my hair) or leaning his head on my shoulder. I was about to push him off me, actually, because we were in public, once again in a library setting, and talking to the people across the table from us! But when I finally realized what was going on, it was because I heard him inhale pretty deeply before kissing my head.

Taken aback, and a little weirded out – I forgot I was wearing anything – I said “…did you just SNIFF me?” Of course, he responded, in true Sagittarius style, “Why yes, yes I did. You smell really good.” Honest and blunt indeed. Prettymuch had to pry ‘im off me.

Oh, worth mentioning – I wore two sprays of MX138 yesterday too, one to the face and one to the throat. I did this on Tuesday as well. All the liquid sunshine mixes seem to cause Tom’s hands to wander, so I don’t know if THAT has a factor in why he was all over me (I thought I looked absolutely disgusting yesterday, too)… today I’m wearing five or six sprays MX135 straight, only one of which to the neck, and I feel absolutely hideously bloated, so we’ll see if it was the MX135 after all when he comes to see me in a few hours. Thank you, by the way, Miss Menstrual Cycle, for this lovely bloated feeling. And thank you, O mighty throat of mine, for refusing to open for pills that I could take to ELIMINATE this bloated feeling. I do love myself ever so much.  😀

For those interested (which there probably aren’t a lot of you, if any) I gave myself a phero-MEGADOSE before going to see my Thomas last weekend. I intended on spending the night, so I loaded on the following…

5 sprays Spaceland to hair
4 sprays IS/A to hair/neck
4 sprays Instant Honesty to hair
1/3 of one EDGE gel packet to cleavage/wrists
5 drops EoW to neck/wrists.

I also did a ritual with my Caliph’s Beloved and White Light oils from TwilightAlchemyLab (which is fantastic and also highly recced, btw, but that’s a different story). I ended up slathering on a few more drops of EoW before leaving the house, and here’s what I reported on the pherotalk forums:

“I was a little nervous at first, because my punk is very affectionate, and he was across the room for the first half an hour or so! We were also in the process of making plans to go out to dinner. I asked him, innocently, to bring something over to me… Needless to say, we had to cancel said dinner plans.

Later on, he got up to check something out online while I stayed in bed to watch a movie. The same friends who attempted to make dinner plans had neglected to go out without us, so they brought up laser tag. Tom said he’d ask if I was up for it, came over to ask me, and once again, we had to cancel. It took quite a bit of insisting on my part to get him to even go back to the phone and TELL them we weren’t going to make it…”

Tom said to me, at one point, “Twice in one day? That’s a record.” Granted, it was our first time together, so anything at all was a record for us, but apparently he was stuck on the face that we’d gone at it twice in a couple hours. 😛

Here’s the next update I posted:

“I was thinking, just a moment ago, about reactions I might have seen in OTHER people, but the only other person around was his roommate. At about two in the morning, I sat up in bed and asked where said roommate was – I hadn’t seen him all night and was getting a bit concerned since he shares a room with my punk on the weekends. I was told not to worry about it, so I complied, and we fell asleep. I woke up early in the morning, though, and ventured down to the kitchen for something to drink. I find the roommate asleep on the couch in the parlor. Upon returning to the bedroom, I wake up my punk and ask him what’s going on. His response was rather shocking. Apparently, after our plans “fell through” TWICE last night, he gave his roommate a call and told him to sleep on the couch! Of course, probing further, I ask why, and I am met with round three of megadose-induced heaven.

Indeed. I woke him up the next morning for more. Thanks, Caliph’s Beloved! *grin*

He’s taking me out to dinner on Friday, sushi, which I’ve never had. He’s paying. Dear lord, an actual DATE? I posted on the pherotalk forums asking what they suggest I wear. Something romantic as opposed to raw sexuality would be nice, but coincidentally all the stuff I have is either “FUN!” or “SEX!” with a little IH thrown in for good measure. Oh well. Those ladies know what they’re doing, and I’m sure we’ll come to an agreement before tomorrow night.

I might spending the night with Tom tomorrow as well, but since my darling period is present, I might as well load on the fun!pheros. I mean, it’s incredibly light today (not that any of you want to hear about it) so I’m hoping (praying) it’ll be completely gone by tomorrow night.

We’ll see.

Cross your fingers for me!

Aquolina Pink Sugar Review

I’m very disappointed to announce that I didn’t really like Aquolina’s Pink Sugar.

Yes, yes. I’m prepared to deal with the rocks that will be pelted at me by the many Sephora fangirls, and maybe the men that seem to adore the smell on their women, but I feel like it could have been so much more than it is.

Let me explain.

Everything I’ve heard about Pink Sugar has been praise. I think I have heard two people mention a sort of “burnt” smell as it dies down, which I have not noticed at all, so I was expecting all the hype about the perfume to be true. It’s supposed to be… let me see now… the leaflet that came with the 1.7oz bottle (which goes for about 50 dollars, I’m told, but I snagged it off EBay for half that price) reads as follows:

Pink Sugar features an original combination of delicious, oriental fragrances. The amber color of the fragrance underlines the high quality of the natural product’s ingredients.

It goes on to this spiel:

I want a world that’s simpler, happier, more real: a world where dreams and emotions are tinged with pink. I want a world that’s enchanting, dynamic and light: a world where sweetness and joy bring a smile to my face. I want things that are more tempting, softer, sweeter: a world where fragrance and freshness excite my passion. I want a world that’s more innocent, full of hope and fantasy: a world where harmony and femininity are the essence of life. I want a perfume for my skin, my body, my soul. Aquolina Pink Sugar: I want a world that’s sweeter.

…I don’t know where to begin.

Yes, I would love a world that’s sweeter, particularly due to my sweet tooth. And I would love it if the world was so enchanting and light that its joy brought a smile to my face. Hell, usually it does. But it’s definitely not because of this perfume.

I know I sound a little critical here, like I hate the stuff, but I don’t. I just don’t take well to being disappointed, especially with a product that I had such high hopes for. It doesn’t sound like it can go wrong, does it? It just wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I love sweet things, truly I do, and never in my life have I had to say “Ugh, that’s too sweet”, but I feel like it’s about to come out at the smell of this stuff.

The day it arrives I give it a spray and a walkthrough, having heard it’s incredibly strong. Yes, it’s strong, for the first half an hour, maybe forty-five minutes. Then it almost completely disappears on my skin. All the notes listed sound delicious, but all I get is cotton candy, and a hint of something else that I can’t identify and really don’t care to. If men like this, power to them, but my man had better not expect me to wear this all the time. I love carnivals. I don’t want to smell like one.

Maybe it’s that I’m not a fan of cotton candy. Maybe it’s just my body chemistry eating up all the other notes that would have made this the godsend it is to other women across the globe. I don’t get “oriental” out of this, and as an amber-lover, I definitely don’t get that either. I think I might be getting some kind of floral, which smells really awkward when combined with such foody notes. That’s all I can figure.

Don’t get me wrong, I guess it’s nice. It’s not entirely terrible. After all, I’ve been wearing a spray or two of it since it came a week or two ago. Why? Because in very small doses, and long after the drydown, it’s less nose-assaulting. Granted, one has to be very close to you to smell it… maybe that’s what men like about it.

I’ve received one “You smell great” while wearing this, which is nothing compared to the rain of compliments other Pink Sugar poster girls always rave about. I wish I could agree.

I’ll recommend this to girls who like to fork over 50 bucks a bottle to smell like a carnival stall. Okay, okay, I’ll recommend this to girls who like to smell sweet. Girls who want a “sweeter world!” Just go light on it, for all our sakes. Hopefully it’ll react better on your skin than it did on mine.

Jessmo, out.