Music: “Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me” -The Smiths
Mood: Just woken up; distraught.
Eating/Drinking: Orange juice and conversation hearts.
I ended up going to Tom’s yesterday instead of later this week. I’m not sure why. I said it was because there was going to be a huge winter storm – which, indeed, there is, and every school in the state is down for the count for the next two days – but I’m not sure if that’s the whole truth. I went home first under the guise of “freshening up”, which indeed I did… I cleaned my neck, intending to get rid of the morning’s applications of MX135 and IH (which are what I wear daily), and applied two sprays MX135 between the front and back of my neck, 4-6 sprays of IH between my hair, top of my head and back of my neck (not sure EXACTLY how much because I sprayed as I was walking, and added a few extra to make up for what didn’t get me as I walked). I covered it with about two drops of “fresh vanilla” oil from Bath&BodyWorks, whichis meant for home fragrance but because of its potency makes a long-lasting perfume that I find I like a lot. ^_^ I can’t say it’s an adequate substitute for Pink Sugar, but I’m still waiting on that to get here.
Tom and Drew picked me up about an hour after I got home and we headed back to Tom’s. Tom’s mom had cut Drew’s hair a bit to get it out of his eyes, and while it wasn’t that bad he thought it was horrific and vowed to escape the house and get it cut “secretly”. Tom and I started watching the movie, and his mom popped in to say she was running out for groceries, when I told Drew that now would be the best time for him to run out and get a haircut. He realized this, logged off WoW and ran out the door. Tom turned off all the lights, as he had when we watched V, and we assumed the same cuddliness as we had on Sunday. His arms were around me as we watched The Science of Sleep, and we were both exasperated at the fact that neither of us had ANY idea what we were watching.
He was all bloody over me though. Not in a bad way or anything. One of my hands was down on my hip because of how I was laying, and I’m pretty bloody sure he had a boner for 90% of the time we were watching the movie. Huzzah for Essence of Woman! ^_^ He kept adjusting himself and wouldn’t tell me why, distracting me with a hug or a stroke of my hair, so I didn’t bring any attention to it. Drew came home sometime in the middle of the movie, made another big fuss about his hair (which STILL looks fine), and sat down to play WoW again.
The thing that stands out to me about last night is I think Tom wanted a kiss. He sighed every couple minutes, and this coupled with the cuddling or his shifts to be closer to me or to rub my back or something… I noticed it then, but I was a little too chicken to do it, hoping that if he wanted one that he would go for it. Never did, though. But he was never NOT touching me, even when we were standing. He kept trying to tickle me, and since I am incredibly ticklish, it worked. O_o; I’m still questioning this playfulness, wondering if I can consider it flirting, but every time I moved his hand away from my stomach he moved it back and tickled me, and this went on for about half an hour. Every time I said, amid giggles, “No,” he would respond in a hushed whisper, very close to my ear, “Yes.” This was frustrating in a way because my neck is so sensitive, and if I can feel someone’s breath on it or know that their mouth is somewhere near it – which his was close – it drives me crazy.
Every twenty minutes or so, his stepfather would open the door, trying to “catch us in the act” or something, and every time he would ask, “Are you sure you’re not going out?” and I would say yes, to which he would respond “Bullshit!”, tell us where protection was, and close the door. Tom would laugh and say, “I hate my family” as soon as the door was shut, every time.
We stepped out of the room for a cigarette break at some point, and found Tom’s cell ringing. Tom answered and found that it was Matt, my original TargetGuy (the guy I was attempting to get, while testing out the affect of pheroes). He was in the driveway, intending on taking us out to Arby’s for something to eat because he was both bored and hungry. Tom and I got in the back seat, and I held one of Matt’s hands because it was bloody freezing. We got to Arby’s and sat down to eat, and Tom was outside for his cigarette, though at the window next to the booth which Matt, Drew and I were sitting at. I sat next to Matt and at some point I told him he had very nice hair. He does – he has thick, curly, chocolate-brown hair, and I wish I had a decent picture to show you – this’ll be my next objective! – because it’s to die for. Maybe you have to run your fingers through it to love it like I do, though. ^_^
Matt doesn’t like to touch people or be touched, but he’ll always give me hugs when I request them, and doesn’t seem to mind if I touch him, but I keep it to a minimum to make sure he’s not made uncomfortable. He’s never had a girlfriend, never been kissed, but he’s a complete and total sweetheart, probably the single nicest guy I’ve ever known. I looked him dead in the eyes and told him he has the nicest hair I’ve ever seen, and I raved about it for a little while, running my fingers through it. I think the IH brought this out, but he didn’t seem to mind at all, which is good.
We all went back to Tom’s house, and I convinced Matt to come in. He, Tom and I all wedged ourselves together on the little twin-sized bed. Matt laid down with his head at the bottom of the bed and put his foot up against the wall to show how flat his were. I left Tom’s side to join Matt, and put my foot on the wall as well, to show my high arches (which I despise). I found myself, minutes later, with my head on his shoulder, his arm around me and my hand on his chest, and Tom behind me with his hand on my waist, and I remember feeling terrible, but it’s only dawned on me now that I may have created a triangle for myself.
Matt left a little while later, gave me a goodbye hug, and I resumed cuddling with Tom, who still tried to tickle me and still managed to get close enough to my neck that I wasn’t sure whether I ought to back away or molest the kid. And I know he managed another woody, and this time I pointed it out. I said “It’s poking me.” He laughed, and Drew turned around from the computer with this horrified face… it was funny, if a little risque for my style.
I went home a little later, after almost falling asleep, and went straight off to bed.
I dreamt that I kissed Matt, though. That we were in Target or Walmart; it was the usual gang, me, Tom, Drew, a few other friends, and Matt. He was to my left, and I was looking at him, and I don’t remember what we were talking about, but I kissed him, and he didn’t resist. He looked at me, commented on how it was his first, and said something about how we’ll have a future together, getting married and having kids and all that. I want to find a double meaning in this somewhere, but I can only come up with two:
1) I’m getting that Matt is interested, or considering me at least
2) I’m scared that if I was to be with Matt, he would expect to marry and have kids with me.
Matt is a church kid, a total sweetheart, but he links dating with marriage and marriage with sex and sex with children – he will only date people he would consider for a wife, which is probably why he’s not had much luck with women up to this point. Matt would be an excellent boyfriend, I can’t stress that enough, but I admit I feel some trepidation at the thought of spending the entire rest of my life with one person. I’ve got a lot of living I want to do. I IMed him this morning and told him Happy Valentine’s Day, bought him a valentine at school, bought him lunch a few days before and refused to let him pay me back. We’re giving blood together at some point, and I hope I’m not coming on very strong, because I don’t mean to. I’m just trying to do nice things for the boy, because he is a fantastic friend to have, easily one of my best. I just don’t know whether it would be a good thing to try and elevate that, yet, though at some point, I really intended to, and sometimes I find myself very attracted to him. Sometimes.
Tom is a sweetheart when he wants to be. He was nowhere to be found in my dream. I just wonder if he expects anything out of me, because he hasn’t had too great a history of girlfriends and I know precisely what he’s gotten out of almost all of them. I do know, though, that he’s not the same prick he was in middle school. I don’t know. I really… I don’t know. T_T
I sat down at the computer feeling really distraught, and I’m pretty sure now that I’ve got a triangle to deal with. GG, Jessmo. What would Jin do in this situation?
I opened up a box of conversation hearts and the first two I pulled were “ILU” and “Be True”.
I’m trying here!
*pulls out hair*