Category Archives: Uncategorized

Fears

It’s been over a year, and I’ve known it all along, I think, but only now am I coming to terms with it. I was hurt very badly when I was with Tyler. I was damaged. I was told every day that something about me was ugly, that I needed to change it. I was told that I needed to change. And that instilled in me the thought that I’m not good enough. He didn’t like my hair, and he would point out in other girls what he liked. He didn’t like my clothes, he didn’t like my *grades*, he made to-do lists of things I needed to change so I could be what *he* wanted. And whenever I asked him why he wanted to change me into someone else, he insisted that he didn’t, and that he’d change. He never did. And every day I tried to change, to make him happy. He made me feel like I was ugly, stupid, worthless. That I don’t deserve anything good.

I thought I had overcome this fear, among the others that surfaced during that time, but I have only succeeded in burying them. No one has ever let me talk to them about this, I’ve kept it all to myself because I’m afraid to be a burden. At some level, a level that I tried to bury, too, I’ve still got the mindset that I’m not good enough. I know I’m good enough. But I still behave in a way that reflects my fear.

I’m cautious about asking Tom if I can see him. I’m cautious about everything. Not nearly as much as I used to be. I’m still afraid, a little, when Tom says he wants to marry me, because everyone – every single boyfriend I have ever had – has said it. From the first day, I knew Tom was different. I’m blessed to have him, and I do deserve him. I’ve never been so happy. I just wish I could get over these fears. The first time Tom saw me cry, the only time, was when Drew told me that Tom basically cares only about sex and degrades me. I was afraid to let him see me cry. Tyler used to get mad at me for crying, and since I did it every night for a year and a half, I am afraid to reveal my vulnerability to people. I went downstairs, and Tom came down a few minutes later and held me, and I explained to him through my tears – which I tried very hard to stop – that I’m afraid. Of being used.

Tyler used me. For a year and a half. I was terrified of going through that again, especially with Tom, because I love him so much. I feel so strongly about him. I want the things he says about our future to come true, so I was frightened. And he assured me that he loves me, not all the superficial things, he loves all of me, and that he doesn’t want anything about me to change. I think that was the night I really realized how important he is to me. How happy he makes me. Every single day he tells me he loves me, or points out something he loves about me. It’s helping me to feel better. Everything I had once been afraid of saying or doing – when I was afraid of being me – I can do now. I can be me. I’m still afraid that he’ll think I’m not pretty or that I’m stupid but he really loves me. He wants to marry me. We haven’t talked about it much because we’re young but he… I don’t even know how to explain it. I am so happy with him, happier than I’ve ever been. I’m me. I love being me. And I have someone who loves who I am. And I love him back.

I’m so thankful to have Tom. Every day, he amazes me. The other night, when I was sick with a fever, he picked me up and he said “Don’t worry. If your fever comes back, I’ll take care of you, baby.” I think that was another hard-hitting thing he’s said. Besides “I love you for you”, it was “I’ll take care of you.” No one takes care of me. My father has, of course, but he hasn’t been around 24/7 since the divorce. He tries to be. I know he’s always available, but the living arrangement makes that difficult. And our like temperaments also make it a little hard. I’m just so happy that someone who loves me is SHOWING it. Someone so important to me. I have two people now, that truly love me, and aren’t afraid of it. Two people that are my biggest fans.

I will overcome these fears.

I have never deserved anything more than I deserve my happiness.

I owe it to myself, and to Tom.

Advertisements

I think it’s really annoying when people look at my screen. 🙂

Yeah.

Long story short, I skipped a bunch of classes and now I’m in danger of losing credit for maybe half of them. The mother found out because I dropped a piece of mail addressed to her from the school instead of *disposing of it* like I intended to. If I had kept that hidden, I would be in the clear. But no, it fell out of my coat.

The minute I walked in the door she launched into a screaming fit about how I’m grounded til the end of the year, this that and the other thing, etc etc unreasonable irrational things. I had to tell Brandon to leave the house because she was so insanely ridiculous. I explained to her what was going on in math and what was going on in school. She said she’s calling the guidance counselor to make sure I’m “on track.”

I went to the counselor a few minutes ago to give her the heads up and found that she was just about to call my mom and “fill her in” on what I’m doing. My history teacher overexaggerated and told her that I swore at him and walked out of the classroom, which essentially came out of his ass because what happened was he threw out my pass and told me to “Have fun.” So I did. I left and went to the nurse. Hooray.

So now two people that think I’m doing shitty in school are going to talk to each other, one of whom has the power to ground me for THE REST OF THE FUCKING SCHOOL YEAR. I go stir-crazy if I’m in the house for two straight days, let alone two fucking months. I will go crazy. I can’t do that. It can’t be done. I don’t know what I’ll do if she decides to hang that over my head.

She already grounded me for three weeks because I had Matt and Tom in the house while no one was there (oh my god, I know, terrible thing, that). They were taking apart my computer while I got some clothes together and went to sleep at Tom’s. My creepy neighbor was watching and alerted her to the fact that there were “BOYS IN THE HOUSE” so I was promptly told I’m a promiscuous whore and grounded.

I almost went crazy.

But two months?

For the love of all things holy, all deities and gods and goddesses and prophets and everything in between, I PLEAD: please do not let this happen to me. It may not seem like much but it truly, truly is. If I’m confined to my house without any mode of contact with the outside world (which is what HAPPENS when I’m grounded, no phone/computer and NO going out, no matter the reason) I will crack, and I will probably STOP concentrating on school. Negative actions taken against me always have negative REactions. I don’t respond to punishment for things when I already understand the consequences of what I’ve done.

I tried to talk to my mom about it, and I talked to the counselor, so hopefully (hope hope hopefully) I will come out of it unscathed. Really, cross your fingers and pray for me and anything you can think of, because if she goes through with the grounding, I don’t think I’m going to have the drive to finish high school.

If you take things away from me, I don’t learn anything. I just sink into an emo hole and sulk or bite back.

What I need is encouragement so I can do things right for myself this time.

Being stuck at home for the next two months is the last thing I need.

Really.

Truly.

Please.

Acquisition of a man. :P

Well, it seems I have acquired a man. O_o;

Since I’m here, and you’re here, and neither of us have any place to go, I might as well tell the story.

As best as I can remember it, anyway. It was in February. xD I’m editing this now in April.

Anyway.

The dilemma of the night was whether I should go out with Matt or Tom. Matt was going to buy me a ticket to a Sonic Youth concert, and Tom wanted to go to Hannibal Rising with Drew and his girlfriend of the moment. I really didn’t want to see Hannibal Rising, despite wanting to be with Tom, so I told Matt I’d come with him… only to be shot down at the last minute; no transportation or something similar. I got back to Tom, who said he would cover my eyes for the entire movie if needs be – I’m very squeamish – and I thought that was sweet in its own way so I ended up going to Hannibal Rising after all.

What did I wear now… *digs up the old thread* “3 drops EoW between neck/wrists, 4 sprays Instant Honesty to hair, a spritz of Pink Sugar.” Very tame, considering how much of my ‘pheros I’ve been wearing of late. Anyway! Back to the story!

We got into the theater and sat in the row in front of Drew and his woman, who threw popcorn at us from time to time. I spent 95% of the movie with Tom’s hand over my eyes or my head shoved in his neck, because the movie was… well.. gory. Disturbing. I didn’t like it at all. *shudder* Tom had his arm around me from the minute we sat down, and as time went on we were as cuddly as two people can get when they’ve got an armrest in between them. 🙂 He kept doing that thing he did when I was at his house to watch the Science Of Sleep – he would rest his cheek or forehead against my own and either sigh or say “Mmhmm?” to which I would respond with the same “mmhmm”, giggle a bit, and resume whatever I was doing.

Except my response to one of the routine, inside-joke-esque “mmhmm”s was not a giggle, it was a moment of temporary insanity in the form of kissing him on the cheek. 😛 It doesn’t sound like much, but in all honesty, I am shy as they come and I NEVER make the first move, so to this day I am pretty surprised with myself. In truth, I think I subconsciously got a little tired of waiting for him to make the first move and just acted without really thinking. But after this chaste kiss on the cheek, he chuckled a bit, and proceeded to kiss me.

We went home as soon as the movie was over – back to his place, anyway, where we picked up where we left off in the theater. At some point, I drew back and said, still a little shocked, “It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way.” He asked what I meant, and I said “I was supposed to go to the movie, cry, pee my pants in fear and then just go back home.” I wasn’t upset, just confused. Still bewildered. He smiled, and said, “I like this way better.”

A little while later, he was cuddling with me and told one of his infamous stories. “I’m going to tell you a story. There was this little German boy. And he was kind of sitting around with this beautiful girl, just chilling. And you know, he loves her.”

🙂

The next night, on my birthday, Matt, Tom, a few friends and myself went out in celebration of said birthday. We drove out to IHOP, far far away from where we live, and once inside, Tom left the table for a cigarette. A friend who was there, Tim, asked, “What’s going on with you and Tom?”

And to be honest, I had no idea, so I said exactly that. I explained the situation to him, and he was like “I’ll ask for you if you like.” I thanked him, because the random kissing but no official action taken toward becoming a couple had been bugging me.

Rest of the night was fine. We went home, and at midnight-something on February 17th, Tom said “Do I need to ask or is that a given?” He asked, I said yes, and that, folks, is how I acquired my current boyfriend.

Hooray!

No reason to, eh?

Brea: i have a fear of rejection
Myself: so do I xD
Brea: you have no reason to

🙂

Happy V-Day!

Tom has been wanting to pick me up all day today, but the roads have been terrible. We got hit by a lovely nor’easter and cars are sliding all over the roads. I hope there’ll be no school tomorrow though… I haven’t done any of my art projects. x3

I was feeding the kittens and sliced my finger open on the can. It bled for two and a half hours straight. (And I’m giving blood on Tuesday. Oi vey…) I drove off to the emergency room only to find that I didn’t need stitches after waiting for about another hour and a half. I did, however, find myself due for a tetanus shot. I fucking hate needles. *shudder* Maybe it’s not such a good idea for me to give blood…

I wasn’t wearing anything underneath my hoodie and I’m a pussy so I had to worm my arm out of the collar. It ripped just past the end of my bra. Convenient, no? Karma’s a perv.

I came home and found Tom had left me an IM. “Just leaving you something to come back to. Hope the stitches don’t hurt.” I thought it was sweet. He asked me to be his valentine a few seconds later, and I had to “aww” at that as well. The kid’s a darling.

I find myself nearing the end of Valentine’s Day ’07 with a split up finger, three valentines (though only one of them officially asked me ^_~), a hospital bracelet far too tight on my wrist, a ripped hoodie and a tetanus shot.

Huzzah!